Energy: high versus low

On holiday in Devon at Clifford Bridge Caravan site. My favourite activity was to swim to the deep end, climb out, run back to the shallow end,  swim back, and repeat, over and over again.

As I ambled round a local gardens recently, I observed a young school girl running, releasing off steam. I envied the way she was allowed to do this, without incurring judgmental stares from passers by. How I wished that I could run free with the wind like her, because, deep down, I had energy to expend too.

I have always had moments of intense energy, but this is not consistent. The energy comes and goes in streams. Sometimes the energy is intense, creating a strong inner drive to jump and frolic. At other times, I can feel so depleted of energy that my legs turn to lead and it feels as though I am walking through tar. I am rarely in a state of balanced energy.

When the energy is intense, I have just the same urge to run and jump as that school girl I mentioned. I feel just as fit and healthy as her, and should be free to give in to the urge, and be my natural, vigorous self. However, I am very afraid of the watchful eye of other people, and can never turn off the critical self-talk that runs a commentary on my every action when out in public, making me feel acutely self conscious and inhibited. If I were to give in and run in public, I would not feel completely free anyway, because my mind would be analysing the behaviour, stifling spontaneity.

Currently the only place where I can unleash all my natural energy is at home, in the kitchen. The laminated floor provides the perfect setting for my super high spring jumps, running and tip toe walking. When I have excess energy to expend (particularly after a lot of stimulating reading, when I feel a sense of connection and order), I enjoy flapping my arms and pushing air out of my  teeth in a soft giggle. It would just be so liberating if I could move past my fear of other peoples’ reactions and run and jump outside whenever I feel like it. We allow kids the privilege, so why do we judge if this same behaviour is seen in adults? Am I the only one who wants to be free, or, as I highly suspect, are there other 30 year old’s who also want to run with the wind?.  I love this quote by Mel Brooks: ”if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at the very least think noisy  and colourfully, or you’re not alive”.

 

2 thoughts on “Energy: high versus low

  1. Anna, if you can cope with the crowds you should try music festivals. I can jump and dance to my hearts content and nobody bats an eyelid. In fact, mostly they join in! It’s a great opportunity to feel alive and really helps control my need for stims at other times, too. Also I used to have a small trampoline in my dining room.
    Unfortunately, the constructs of society will unlikely be altered to accommodate the autistic traits because in general people are fearful of what they don’t understand. However, I also believe there is a time for us as the more publicity and media coverage about the condition leads by example, the more ‘normalised’ it will seem and the more acceptable will be the behaviours that accompany our heightened senses. We see this evidence now in Tourette’s syndrome which presents extreme antisocial vocalising yet is so well documented that it has almost become fashionable.
    In the meantime, dance for joy and take up street running.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂 I did run a bit the other day down the street as the urge took me, so maybe I’m getting there ever so slightly. I also reckon that by being one’s natural self, maybe we can help others who also want to be natural but are facing the same fears, by normalizing being natural.

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