Loss

A week ago I found out that my mother has terminal cancer which can’t be cured. I find it incredibly hard to process this life altering information. Initially  I was in denial, and I think I still am to an extent. The information has not been fully absorbed. My mum is only 60, and has always been in good health. Apart from the occasional cold she is never ill, and has never been off sick from work. She eats healthily, and until she got ill, she went for long walks. I know that she is going to die. I know that her death is imminent. I know this and yet I can’t quite accept this information. I have cried. I have lost control, screamed at the top of my lungs, ran out into the street at midnight because I felt so overwhelmed. These intense feelings come and go, and when they are gone I appear calm and okay. She has not died yet, and it is hard to imagine such an outcome. I find it very hard to imagine the future, and until  she dies I can easily detach myself and pretend that she won’t die. I have no idea how I will react when the inevitable death happens; maybe I will then no longer be in denial. I hate to think what will happen. I find it easy to be logical and emotionally detached. I am scared of emotions, so I suppress them. I don’t understand emotions, and I am not sure that I have emotions in the way that other people do. However, I certainly feel things, and I feel things in a very intense way. But what the ‘thing’ is that I am feeling, I really don’t know. My feelings are so unpredictable, and they take away my control. To the outside world I appear logical and calm, but I am not really calm. This is just a front I put on, because it is less painful to pretend that everything is okay. If you pretend hard enough, everything becomes ‘okay’. Except, that it is not really ‘okay’. I am actually hiding from a very painful situation.

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