My two selves

I feel like a split person, a contradiction. I can appear very straight-laced, modest and ‘nice’, but this is because I work very hard to perfect a certain image that I project to the outside world.  Socialising is very hard work. Socialising is like solving a very difficult puzzle. I am always on high alert to make sure I do not slip up, to make sure I do not let myself go. I know that it is so easy to let the mask slip, to reveal the other me, the one who must be concealed at all costs in order to prevent  a hostile reaction. The girl who flaps her hands when she is excited, who screeches and emits little laughs for no reason, who talks fast and loud, must be curtailed. This other self is locked away, but bangs at the door wanting to escape. Keeping this other self chained down is very tiring. What would people say if they saw her, I wonder? Would they like the un-moderated self, or would it offend their sensibilities?

Living a double act is so confusing. I have no clue who I am in reality, other than that I am a bundle of contradictions. I have no clue what people are thinking of me. I can’t ‘read’ people, I don’t understand emotions. I am not even sure if I have emotions. Sure, I have experiences that some people might say are emotional in nature. For example, I think I sometimes experience ‘anger’, but how do I know this is ‘anger’? Why does  it come and then go so quickly? Emotions do not feel that real to me. When I experience what is perhaps an emotion, it feels contrived and  inauthentic. I am not sure what is going on within my head or whether what I am experiencing is normal. My emotions feel like an act, they feel acted out, as though I am an actress on a permanent stage.